I was wondering why, these last couple of days, even when my period and pms symptoms subsided, was I still feeling so lethargic, and unmotivated, and lifeless almost. Then I remembered – I have chronic depression. And it is not something that goes away permanently every time I feel ‘good’ again.
I think sometimes we tend to want to avoid very uncertain or despondent feelings like this and just want to power through with whatever we planned to be on track with, not taking time to rearrange and deal with the unexpected. It never works like this especially if you deal with any mental/emotional health issue. I was being really hard on myself, feeling angry about why I couldn’t just get up and go outside or enjoy the routine I had going this past month. I was trying to override this “fatigue” and finding loopholes to snap out of it. But it doesn’t work that way and it’s never worked that way, so why did I still try ?
Continue reading reminder: depression happens. and the opening it provides does too.
I guess the thought of that came to me “randomly” one day while driving in my car. It was weird realizing that that fact didn’t even cross my mind for so long. It was as if I was too busy focusing on what other things I needed to improve on, what other things I was lacking, the ideals I was not meeting yet. I hadn’t stopped to give myself any credit or acknowledgment for the things I did progress in and the actual difference in the quality of life I am living now compared to 7 years ago, when my world was much, much smaller and denser.
I cried out of a mixture of joy, disbelief, and amazement. Because to go from hating yourself so much and feeling so much internal frustration with the inability to cope that you turn it against your own body and mind was really a battle. Sitting here and being aware of how I, in contrast now, can physically recoil from even thinking of myself doing that is… something I am very grateful for.
Continue reading I haven’t cut myself in 7 years.