I was wondering why, these last couple of days, even when my period and pms symptoms subsided, was I still feeling so lethargic, and unmotivated, and lifeless almost. Then I remembered – I have chronic depression. And it is not something that goes away permanently every time I feel ‘good’ again.
I think sometimes we tend to want to avoid very uncertain or despondent feelings like this and just want to power through with whatever we planned to be on track with, not taking time to rearrange and deal with the unexpected. It never works like this especially if you deal with any mental/emotional health issue. I was being really hard on myself, feeling angry about why I couldn’t just get up and go outside or enjoy the routine I had going this past month. I was trying to override this “fatigue” and finding loopholes to snap out of it. But it doesn’t work that way and it’s never worked that way, so why did I still try ?
Continue reading reminder: depression happens. and the opening it provides does too.
Vulnerability is like drowning, but finding out you can breathe, albeit in a different way. And although some people find this out, it still can be a discomfort to not resurface and not go back again to the kind of air and pressure they were used to all along.
But vulnerability is really submerging all of you, and letting all the masks and layered insulation you’ve had in place slowly loosen and release under water, being carried away because it’s no longer needed.
You don’t experience yourself clearly when all the mirrors you’ve placed around yourself only reflects the small of yourself that you were comfortable being uncomfortable with.
Tenderly living is like the sun’s shine. How it continuously radiates but can never peak back inside at it’s own core to define it. It just lives from it. Breathes from it. Always in touch with it.
And what feels like fire to your lungs at first later becomes what you know is necessary. Because it forces you to stay in between each moment instead of trying to conquer each moment, with swords and armor and vigilance that only tires you out at the end and beginning of each day.
Learn to be submerged. Learn to breathe inconspicuously. Learn to love and be loved in a different way.