maybe all that you are is more
than all the things you are not.
and maybe you’ve got to start to trust
the uncertainty of discovering
this moreness rather than obliging to
who you were told you were not
and should act like instead.
the weight of all that you aren’t
is easily seeable. but the glorious
abundance of all that you are
can only be felt, and relinquished into.
At some point in our lives, we tend to recreate the traumas or patterns we experienced in childhood. Maybe once, maybe more than once… There’s that cliché but it’s true. We play out all the pain and the longing and the desires we’ve had. This happened to me when I was 13.
I was with a boy who not surprisingly mirrored lots of the same emotional difficulties as me. He was an on and off again runaway/kid who got kicked out, who lived in group homes and was involved in gangs. He dabbled in physical self-harm before he met me and I was already a few months into my own path of cutting before I met him. We met at the perfect conjunction where all of this expedited in me. And I must’ve seemed so crazy now looking back because my head also throbbed with notions of romanticism and emotional fantasies.
Continue reading the relationship I had when I was 13.
I was wondering why, these last couple of days, even when my period and pms symptoms subsided, was I still feeling so lethargic, and unmotivated, and lifeless almost. Then I remembered – I have chronic depression. And it is not something that goes away permanently every time I feel ‘good’ again.
I think sometimes we tend to want to avoid very uncertain or despondent feelings like this and just want to power through with whatever we planned to be on track with, not taking time to rearrange and deal with the unexpected. It never works like this especially if you deal with any mental/emotional health issue. I was being really hard on myself, feeling angry about why I couldn’t just get up and go outside or enjoy the routine I had going this past month. I was trying to override this “fatigue” and finding loopholes to snap out of it. But it doesn’t work that way and it’s never worked that way, so why did I still try ?
Continue reading reminder: depression happens. and the opening it provides does too.
I guess the thought of that came to me “randomly” one day while driving in my car. It was weird realizing that that fact didn’t even cross my mind for so long. It was as if I was too busy focusing on what other things I needed to improve on, what other things I was lacking, the ideals I was not meeting yet. I hadn’t stopped to give myself any credit or acknowledgment for the things I did progress in and the actual difference in the quality of life I am living now compared to 7 years ago, when my world was much, much smaller and denser.
I cried out of a mixture of joy, disbelief, and amazement. Because to go from hating yourself so much and feeling so much internal frustration with the inability to cope that you turn it against your own body and mind was really a battle. Sitting here and being aware of how I, in contrast now, can physically recoil from even thinking of myself doing that is… something I am very grateful for.
Continue reading I haven’t cut myself in 7 years.
Vulnerability is like drowning, but finding out you can breathe, albeit in a different way. And although some people find this out, it still can be a discomfort to not resurface and not go back again to the kind of air and pressure they were used to all along.
But vulnerability is really submerging all of you, and letting all the masks and layered insulation you’ve had in place slowly loosen and release under water, being carried away because it’s no longer needed.
You don’t experience yourself clearly when all the mirrors you’ve placed around yourself only reflects the small of yourself that you were comfortable being uncomfortable with.
Tenderly living is like the sun’s shine. How it continuously radiates but can never peak back inside at it’s own core to define it. It just lives from it. Breathes from it. Always in touch with it.
And what feels like fire to your lungs at first later becomes what you know is necessary. Because it forces you to stay in between each moment instead of trying to conquer each moment, with swords and armor and vigilance that only tires you out at the end and beginning of each day.
Learn to be submerged. Learn to breathe inconspicuously. Learn to love and be loved in a different way.
if everything is a cycle.
if your emptiness is a cycle.
if the darkness is what you
keep returning back to.
that so is your joy.
so is that love you feel
inside yourself opening up
more and more, little by little.
so is the natural current then
that unceasingly washes you back
to the familiar grounds
of your wildly unrelenting
It’s hard to put all of your self as you are in this moment out there without the muddling of visions of past selves popping in and out, isn’t it ?
There are times , maybe even plenty , where you are enjoying your progress and your strengths and your seeming lack of fragmentation. Then something or someone from your past comes back around to test you , literally on a soul level.
You always wish and hope that the same patterns won’t be played around. That you won’t revert back totally. But maybe that’s just it … we kind of are scared of lack of perfection. We don’t want to admit that every moment will still be imperfect and we get stuck in an all or nothing frame of view.
Continue reading the middle road
it’s a strange thing when in order to prove that you are strong, you have to deny what it is that makes you most human. as if the sound of your heart racing will echo into all distances and make you suddenly sniffed out as prey to be capsized.
we slow our hearts down so much for this as if to make it seem like we don’t even own one. as if the racing of our minds and other things are better. as if the flush on our skins will make us too susceptible to being found out. found out for what ? for having emotions and inner lives, which needn’t be a secret anymore in this day and age. we are equipped and have always been equipped with something that will lead us ultimately out of the dark.
Continue reading musings of the heart
it will take you a while
to get used to the warmth
of your own body again.
it will take some restless nights,
fighting sleep until you get used to
being in the dark again.
it will take some gentleness
from your own touch to not close
the gaps of thoughts or desires,
but to let love perfume out of you,
out from your pores, like the dewy
aura of a genie emerging from a lamp.