In college, I remember telling my poetry professor that I didn’t like editing my poems. That it felt like I was taking some of its magic and significance away. That I preferred it raw and “real”. It felt watered down, too technical and unemotional, and not as impactful when I would go in to tear it apart to “fix” it.
I guess the mistake on my part was thinking that this process of editing is anything like “fixing”. I also think that it correlates to my childhood wounds where I felt my mom was always trying to make me into someone I wasn’t by telling me to change this thing and that thing, all these parts of me. And so to take something, like a poem, that was seemingly poured from my heart, and trying to make sense of the process of editing to make the piece “better”, just made it feel like it was not good enough to start with.
And this was the problem too, I think, because when we are always sensitive to not being accepted or seen, we perhaps, some of us, cling even more to certain parts of our identities. Rebelling and exaggerating and defending what feels “real”. I felt those first drafts of my poems were real. So I didn’t want to do anything that would signify erasing it, since I have felt erased all my life.
Continue reading The Shame Behind the Creative Process
I was wondering why, these last couple of days, even when my period and pms symptoms subsided, was I still feeling so lethargic, and unmotivated, and lifeless almost. Then I remembered – I have chronic depression. And it is not something that goes away permanently every time I feel ‘good’ again.
I think sometimes we tend to want to avoid very uncertain or despondent feelings like this and just want to power through with whatever we planned to be on track with, not taking time to rearrange and deal with the unexpected. It never works like this especially if you deal with any mental/emotional health issue. I was being really hard on myself, feeling angry about why I couldn’t just get up and go outside or enjoy the routine I had going this past month. I was trying to override this “fatigue” and finding loopholes to snap out of it. But it doesn’t work that way and it’s never worked that way, so why did I still try ?
Continue reading reminder: depression happens. and the opening it provides does too.
if everything is a cycle.
if your emptiness is a cycle.
if the darkness is what you
keep returning back to.
that so is your joy.
so is that love you feel
inside yourself opening up
more and more, little by little.
so is the natural current then
that unceasingly washes you back
to the familiar grounds
of your wildly unrelenting
it’s a strange thing when in order to prove that you are strong, you have to deny what it is that makes you most human. as if the sound of your heart racing will echo into all distances and make you suddenly sniffed out as prey to be capsized.
we slow our hearts down so much for this as if to make it seem like we don’t even own one. as if the racing of our minds and other things are better. as if the flush on our skins will make us too susceptible to being found out. found out for what ? for having emotions and inner lives, which needn’t be a secret anymore in this day and age. we are equipped and have always been equipped with something that will lead us ultimately out of the dark.
Continue reading musings of the heart