born with a dancer’s delicateness,
you thin ankles and birdlike feet
were always too ready
to just fly away.
as if you could not let the divinity
in you permeate your whole body,
to reach down to the soles
of your feet, to be stood in.
there will always be those who
are too afraid of the ones who
generate too much electricity.
but this is not something to keep
to yourself, and it is not something
that can be easily stolen out
from underneath you.
the safe haven you preciously maintain
to travel back and forth to and from
needs to be the wings, excavated,
that flees you not from yourself
or your experience,
but from this nest you’ve found yourself in.
after all, your true fear
is that you really just might be able to.
There was a small section of a conversation in which my therapist and I had, maybe 2-3 years ago, that has been constantly popping in my head. We were talking about the fear of being on different wavelengths with other people and my need to kind of meld with people – disappear into them as I would say now. About not being in exact harmony, she asked me something along the lines of, “Well, what could possibly go wrong?” I sheepishly agreed but didn’t understand the magnitude of the actual reason behind it.
I have now found that the simple answer of why I was so scared is simply because it would mean that I would be free. Free from other people’s opinions, judgements, and subconscious pressure. Free from my compulsion to ingratiate myself to those I cared for. And free from making myself invisible again, which is understandably so fucking frightening when you’ve been in the cave for so long, to be tinged by the sunlight as you creep out more and more (Plato reference).
Continue reading “facing freedom”
you only did what you knew to do to survive in those moments. it wasn’t your fault that not even in your wildest imaginations could you believe there were people in real life that could do such things like these. i relinquish you from blaming your own body and your own energy and mind for having “attracted” what happened. you were not a culprit in the crime for having shut down. in no way did you “let it happen”. it was only the feeling of utter horror fragmenting you in the moment.
i know it’s taken you down a long, long road to realize that the alternative is not to be invisible because we can never be without further fragmenting ourselves. and this is the true; it was never your load to be burdened with in the first place. you’ve mixed up their intentions and their mistakes as if it were a part of your own experience. just know that it was hard for you to separate yourself from it all but that it can be separated and it is separate, just like water and oil is. it is not your baggage to keeping lugging around and weighing yourself with like a tumor. your body wants to breathe in the light again without feeling the shame or guilt or traumatic association for doing so.
Continue reading “the unraveling of sexual assault on the body and mind”
i’ve put people, mainly the idea of them and what they give and feed to my emptiness, up on a high pedestal for a long time. when i talk about “people”, i mean everyone i have relations with, not just the romantic kind, but mostly that too. people have become my addiction, even just the thoughts of them, and it has deterred me from the cultivation of my self, my work, my enjoyment of my own company, etc. i realize by living this pattern, it naturally makes me not on equal footing with anyone. i feel like i’m unable to view relationships casually or as a normal thing that happens in life. it has always been a push and pull with me. it was always something i also felt i had to ‘work’ at to get. not even the sort of working necessary to maintain a stable and healthy relationship, or the blossoming of one, but i mean, the kind of work to ‘get’ and ‘obtain’, as if it were something i could add to my back pocket, as ammo or insulation and the securing of my fantasies. i think you could say it was way off the track of ‘reality’ or real, clear, conscious kind of living. relationships were mostly in my mind, i think and i guarded against the real thing by guarding the entirety of me.
Continue reading “confessions and thoughts of a love/people addict”
it will take you a while
to get used to the warmth
of your own body again.
it will take some restless nights,
fighting sleep until you get used to
being in the dark again.
it will take some gentleness
from your own touch to not close
the gaps of thoughts or desires,
but to let love perfume out of you,
out from your pores, like the dewy
aura of a genie emerging from a lamp.
the worst of it is over. it still doesn’t mean you don’t have to sit with the havoc that it wreaked though. it still doesn’t mean that you don’t have to go around picking up the pieces, trying to salvage the salvageable, seeing what you can mend and what you cannot.
the pertinent points of it that categorizes such a destruction is no longer here, but we sit in its wake all the same. we sit here, stupefied for a little bit, disoriented for a little bit, still weighed down by the mess that rearranged our nervous systems a little bit. it takes a while to collect ourselves and most importantly, to start facing the reality that things will never be the same again.
but that in itself doesn’t have to be a bad thing. you can’t go back to the same life you were leading because as you can see, that one is already torn up. that phase has passed. it always is going to be the road with all signs pointing to a second life now. that is your true north now. everything is waiting for your ground to grow with more fertility this time.
there is a heaviness that such chaos brings, but it can be clipped into paper birds and paper airplanes and be flung out to leave lightness for your yourself and breadcrumbs for others. a snowing of what has survived. the worst of it is over now. but that doesn’t mean we stop wanting more and carving better for ourselves.
So much of our inability to be strong at our core has been because we got something out of not being strong at our core. Whether it be for attention (positive or negative), or someone else taking over and doings things for us, or that we just feel safe living inside of our shells, feeling like the world will challenge us too much if we “came out” as strong and competent and independent.
I found that my ego’s attachment to this “poor little girl” image I’ve had in my head since I was a child has conflicted with the very real sense of my own inner strength and self-assurance that I’ve been realizing in myself more now. Because I have still been subconsciously siding with my ego, I couldn’t yet let this blossoming sense of physical safety and emotional security in me be present, although I was trying really hard to hammer down all those nails into that flopping tent.
Continue reading “psychology of self-sabotaging”
what we see in our mind’s eye
never quite aligns with where
our hearts stand in real time.
the conscious and the unconscious always
needs time to be aware of the other,
and for those rare moments of clarity,
embraces the dollops of each other entirely.
what you can rationalize to yourself
does not mean your lesson is learned.
it only beckons you to keep putting in the work
you need to do to shorten the shadow
between you and the much realer you.
it takes patience and consistency.
it means for you to quietly plant seeds
in the parts of your yet to be healed
psyche, where your soul is dying
to ignite and flourish out from.
it means for you to learn what color
you are sowing and what colors you need
to really weave together the wavelength
of light that shines through little by little.
as if to blend in with your surroundings
makes it so that you could more easily live.
as if making gentle creaks on wooden floors
threatens the exposure of your neediness.
needs to be heard and to be present and to be held
up by something like the ground and the earth.
as if that is just too much to ask: to just be alive.
you need more than believing your un-weight
will naturally bring more rightness than wrong.
you deserve more than tiptoeing the lines
between self-starvation and absolute freedom.