the easier option

An event that has always stuck in my mind was this one time where my cousin’s back got all scratched up because I didn’t know how to let go of her as she was sliding down a snowy mountain.

We were on a family trip and we were partners for tube sliding. I was in the first tube and she was on the second in back of me; I held her by her legs on each side of me because we were told to do that.

As we were slid down the hill, I remember maybe halfway, my cousin plopping out of her tube and us still sliding down because I was still in mine. I looked back at her almost in a panic and reached out to her to get her onto my tube somehow. In my mind, I was so intensely intent on keeping her safe. I was thinking to myself that if she just held on a little longer we would stop soon at the bottom. All the while I saw her face scrunching up in pain as her shirt and jacket was being lifted upward, exposing her back to all that hardened snow. I wanted so badly to rid her of what she was going through and to do something to help her.

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Disentangling From All That Never Allowed ‘You’

If you want to change the “toxic” dynamics you are in, you have to first and foremost stop acting out the role that perpetuates that dynamic.  It may have been placed upon you and they might have dressed you up real tamely, but now that you are growing more aware of what has happened and what needs to be done, you are the one still putting on those shoes, the one still putting on that shirt you don’t like, and the one itching in the pants that you want out of.

You have to understand that you are now “self-dressing” out of familiarity and conformity. You have to also know though that you not only have the right, but the necessary undertaking, to slowly figure out what kind of change you do want and what things you need to snip at the stems.  And that means no longer making yourself a puppet just because that was all you were endorsed to be.  It’s time to cut off the strings.

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the voice’s association with authentic beingness and its blockages

i guess what i didn’t know until recently was how much my voice played/plays a role in my entire beingness. your voice, vocal box, vocal chords, are very much associated with your internal experience and external expression of your emotions and your feelings.  so to think your voice was ugly or something to be manipulated and changed to sound differently, the way i did when i was younger and have subconsciously kept up until now i guess, it really fucks up your self-perception on a grander level.

it’s very much like trying on different masks, uncomfortable with your own skin, and just not knowing how to be yourself without feeling shame or feeling bad.  since it is so much connected with how you express yourself and how it is rooted in the truth of your emotions and experience, to try and alter it or discourage its sonic nature alters everything else inside you.  sounds can have such an effect.  ever seen how different sounds can change the shapes of how water or sand vibrates and scatters and moves upon contact ?  it’s exactly like that with the varying authenticity and clarity of your voice.  it can literally shape how constricted you are (that ball in your throat feeling) or how free flowing you are.

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the instinct and process to create a better existence for yourself

you have to create the space firstly in order to let yourself be in the space.

you never had the benefit of it being created for you – the warmth and the nurturance and the encouragement to explore and come out of your shell.  so in order for you to sit down comfortably, you have to learn to make the chair to your body’s natural preference and taste. you have to know which nails to use, which materials suit you best, and what color or colors is/are most likely to give you that sense of ease. you need to learn what comfort is before you can know what comfort subjectively means to you and how it is valuable and how you can then sink into that comfort.  and so it is a constant back and forth-ness between learning and knowing, and creating and being, and failing and succeeding.

it seems impossible to go ahead and create something out of nothingness but you don’t give enough credit to the truth that… the things we are born with in life never truly goes away or disappears from it being beaten out of us. they stay in hibernation and roar out sometimes when forced into deeper hibernation pass its due date, but you can always engage with the drawing out of it again – the drawing out of you again.  it is a survival mechanism to hide for a while, but then the ultimate survival instinct is to override that somehow.  to tip toe your way out to the sea of liberation and the grounds of fulfilling as much as you can of your potential and innate positives of your personality. the instinct to reestablish the ground underneath you as your own to run and play on is the instinct that needs to be heard above all else.

louder and louder, clearer and clearer.

The middle road

It’s hard to put all of your self as you are in this moment out there without the muddling of visions of past selves popping in and out, isn’t it ?

There are times , maybe even plenty , where you are enjoying your progress and your strengths and your seeming lack of fragmentation. Then something or someone from your past comes back around to test you , literally on a soul level.

You always wish and hope that the same patterns won’t be played around. That you won’t revert back totally. But maybe that’s just it … we kind of are scared of lack of perfection. We don’t want to admit that every moment will still be imperfect and we get stuck in an all or nothing frame of view.

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feelings as identity

My identity has been based off of transient feelings and I’ve been confusing who I am with what I feel in myself as well as what I feel from others. When you start to see blue all around you , you start feeling like you are blue yourself. It’s an absorption of the senses and being overwhelmed by it.

Regarding confusing my own feelings with feelings I pick up from others, I didn’t know how to disassociate or distinguish and keep it out of my body system. When a rock hits you, naive you thinks it had to have been seemingly thrown at you. So you start to think something is wrong with you because you are hurt. You then identify with the hurt as if it was you. Because if you keep being hit and hurt forever, you mistake yourself as one bleeding wound you can’t manage to sew up.

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love and embracing

If someone foretold to you, that you would soon meet someone who would love you for everything that you are , not just the idea or some parts of you , but the entirety of you , and that it was lovely and rare , would that set you free ? Even just a little ? To be able to flower and open up , even in your times alone , knowing that these sides and hidden corners in you will be embraced ? So you learn to let yourself be embraced by your self first ? Because it is an objective thing , that if you can’t show it now , to yourself , it won’t be able to show up in the future ? At least not in its fullness and peace ?

Food for thought. Theme of the week-ish.

musings of the heart

it’s a strange thing when in order to prove that you are strong, you have to deny what it is that makes you most human. as if the sound of your heart racing will echo into all distances and make you suddenly sniffed out as prey to be capsized.

we slow our hearts down so much for this as if to make it seem like we don’t even own one. as if the racing of our minds and other things are better. as if the flush on our skins will make us too susceptible to being found out. found out for what ? for having emotions and inner lives, which needn’t be a secret anymore in this day and age. we are equipped and have always been equipped with something that will lead us ultimately out of the dark.

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facing freedom

There was a small section of a conversation in which my therapist and I had, maybe 2-3 years ago, that has been constantly popping in my head.  We were talking about the fear of being on different wavelengths with other people and my need to kind of meld with people – disappear into them as I would say now.  About not being in exact harmony, she asked me something along the lines of, “Well, what could possibly go wrong?”  I sheepishly agreed but didn’t understand the magnitude of the actual reason behind it.

I have now found that the simple answer of why I was so scared is simply because it would mean that I would be free.  Free from other people’s opinions, judgements, and subconscious pressure.  Free from my compulsion to ingratiate myself to those I cared for.  And free from making myself invisible again, which is understandably so fucking frightening when you’ve been in the cave for so long, to be tinged by the sunlight as you creep out more and more (Plato reference).

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the unraveling of sexual assault on the body and mind

you only did what you knew to do to survive in those moments. it wasn’t your fault that not even in your wildest imaginations could you believe there were people in real life that could do such things like these. i relinquish you from blaming your own body and your own energy and mind for having “attracted” what happened. you were not a culprit in the crime for having shut down. in no way did you “let it happen”. it was only the feeling of utter horror fragmenting you in the moment.

i know it’s taken you down a long, long road to realize that the alternative is not to be invisible because we can never be without further fragmenting ourselves.  and this is the true; it was never your load to be burdened with in the first place. you’ve mixed up their intentions and their mistakes as if it were a part of your own experience.  just know that it was hard for you to separate yourself from it all but that it can be separated and it is separate, just like water and oil is.  it is not your baggage to keeping lugging around and weighing yourself with like a tumor. your body wants to breathe in the light again without feeling the shame or guilt or traumatic association for doing so.

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