3 am ramblings // pseudo-independence

Who else feels like they are pseudo-independent ?

Like, yes, a lot of the times I like to be alone, THRIVE on being alone, and choose being alone, but I wonder if that is just me nursing old wounds that are afraid to come spilling out once I “let” myself attach to someone again.

I think although maybe solitude is a major necessity for me and a big part of my nature, this whole gimmick thing of being ultra independent may be more exaggerated than it is.  That it is a way for me to be detached ultimately and fall back on just giving the littlest I can and not giving anymore.  Stingy.  Reluctant to be all in, to be vulnerable.

I feel like maybe it is a shield of an image to keep the world away most times too.  That I am quite alright, that I am doing just fine.  For you to believe or think that I’ve got everything together, when honestly, deeply, I’m just figuring my shit out and maybe by being distance, it is a way for me to also not poignantly state that I am figuring my shit out.  Nobody wants to be caught in the healing process.  Everybody wants to put on a brave face and step out into the light once it’s done with and if it’s not done with, they pretend they’re almost there.  Just constantly not revealing the underbelly.  Because how can you keep it private and sacred and how can you share it honestly at the same time ?  I am still figuring that out.

I hate being alone sometimes, just like you can get sick of eating too much cheese.  But it beats the alternative of getting way too close to someone and getting lost in them, so you pretend to be distracted by your own world, which for the most part you are.  I see this in myself because without knowing it, the minute I am with anybody, I am absorbed into their world.  It’s like a drug honestly, that is why I find it hard to be around them and maintain my own personhood.  Always, I take back some of their DNA when I come back home and it always takes a lot of time to unwind and “unglue”.  I become attached without knowing it.  And maybe I just need to acknowledge it, instead of lying to myself that I am very much unphased or unneedy.  Because I know that a big part of me feeling that I don’t need people is because I actually need them very much.  And I have to get to a place where it doesn’t cause me to feel sick, feel like I’ve got whiplash, feel like I am uncomfortable with either/or, that I can maintain my center of gravity.

I think that is all for tonight.  I need to get my sleep back into balance too.

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