If you want to change the “toxic” dynamics you are in, you have to first and foremost stop acting out the role that perpetuates that dynamic. It may have been placed upon you and they might have dressed you up real tamely, but now that you are growing more aware of what has happened and what needs to be done, you are the one still putting on those shoes, the one still putting on that shirt you don’t like, and the one itching in the pants that you want out of.
You have to understand that you are now “self-dressing” out of familiarity and conformity. You have to also know though that you not only have the right, but the necessary undertaking, to slowly figure out what kind of change you do want and what things you need to snip at the stems. And that means no longer making yourself a puppet just because that was all you were endorsed to be. It’s time to cut off the strings.
Wishing in silence and getting upset over the situation and postponing action won’t help the other half of the journey. Saying that it is just the way it is and has always been that way does not justify this conflict that is simmering. This inner tension waiting for the chance to blow up into flames. Disintegrating all that you never were.
You need to take realistic steps to get yourself out of the script and move away from pleasing people. You need to keep determination and strength and tenacity continually at center. Keep reaching out to it. The truth is, anyway, that you are probably not pleasing them fully at all and never will. You are only playing an unending and unresolvable game. They will never be accepting unconditionally either way and that is their issue to figure out, not yours. You have to see that.
The truth and the path is already nudging at you and you know it. You just have to make peace with the hard unraveling that needs to be done.