i guess what i didn’t know until recently was how much my voice played/plays a role in my entire beingness. your voice, vocal box, vocal chords, are very much associated with your internal experience and external expression of your emotions and your feelings. so to think your voice was ugly or something to be manipulated and changed to sound differently, the way i did when i was younger and have subconsciously kept up until now i guess, it really fucks up your self-perception on a grander level.
it’s very much like trying on different masks, uncomfortable with your own skin, and just not knowing how to be yourself without feeling shame or feeling bad. since it is so much connected with how you express yourself and how it is rooted in the truth of your emotions and experience, to try and alter it or discourage its sonic nature alters everything else inside you. sounds can have such an effect. ever seen how different sounds can change the shapes of how water or sand vibrates and scatters and moves upon contact ? it’s exactly like that with the varying authenticity and clarity of your voice. it can literally shape how constricted you are (that ball in your throat feeling) or how free flowing you are.
when you seek the more authentic paths of how your voice wants to work, the sounds that it reverberates back into your ears switches knobs inside you. it’s like a two for two. when you live in the muffledness of being stagnated by the energy you can’t expel by speaking it aloud or when you speak only on the wavelength of other people expect your own, you start to have a fear of radiating foulness that you then try to cover up real quickly. you fear exuding ‘unattractiveness’ and giving off a general putrid stench when you are faced with the challenge of exposing yourself and speaking your hard truths. you literally become so consumed with getting things right and functioning ‘perfectly’ on the outside, only to feel the stab of shame every now and then of people possibly seeing right through to the raw ‘ugliness’ you internally think you possess.
but that’s only because you were shamed into thinking and feeling that what you had to say and what you had to express wasn’t something to be excited about or worthy of listening deeply to. these seemingly tiny nuances in how your environment reacts to you can really fuck with your sense of self on the most profound levels to where you start wholly abandoning your own self in order to play more of a role, which requires a specific way of speaking, being well rehearsed, and relying on memory instead of instinct. the way your inner monologue starts to sound is very anticipatory and so, premeditated and well thought out. you subconsciously feel that to spontaneously express whatever you are feeling in the moment, even if it’s just a grunt or a sigh or one word or a full paragraph, isn’t ‘enough’, isn’t ‘spectacular’ enough, or worth the energy because you associate it with a repression so you repress yourself first.
it’s really painful to not let yourself experience the fullness of what you are experiencing and saying what you need to say to not have it played internally on a loop, full of dissatisfactions. any discomfort or joy or sadness or whatever else – speaking and expressing moves it out of the body for relief and vitality and forward living. sounds and noise are so pervasive and so subconscious that to discredit where the subconscious in you wants to go is like shouting at the sounds of traffic to stop. it won’t stop. you’ll just be left exhausted. your voice might sound ‘ugly’ to you, or rather the pains associated with your authentic unraveling, but it is the literal vibration of you. it has to be engaged with more, given a chance, and given lightness, even if you become real sweaty while you are in the middle of amping yourself up to meet yourself where you are already going but often hold yourself back from going there.