3 am ramblings // pseudo-independence

Who else feels like they are pseudo-independent ?

Like, yes, a lot of the times I like to be alone, THRIVE on being alone, and choose being alone, but I wonder if that is just me nursing old wounds that are afraid to come spilling out once I “let” myself attach to someone again.

I think although maybe solitude is a major necessity for me and a big part of my nature, this whole gimmick thing of being ultra independent may be more exaggerated than it is.  That it is a way for me to be detached ultimately and fall back on just giving the littlest I can and not giving anymore.  Stingy.  Reluctant to be all in, to be vulnerable.

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from sun’s core

Vulnerability is like drowning, but finding out you can breathe, albeit in a different way.  And although some people find this out, it still can be a discomfort to not resurface and not go back again to the kind of air and pressure they were used to all along.

But vulnerability is really submerging all of you, and letting all the masks and layered insulation you’ve had in place slowly loosen and release under water, being carried away because it’s no longer needed.

You don’t experience yourself clearly when all the mirrors you’ve placed around yourself only reflects the small of yourself that you were comfortable being uncomfortable with.

Tenderly living is like the sun’s shine.  How it continuously radiates but can never peak back inside at it’s own core to define it.  It just lives from it.  Breathes from it.  Always in touch with it.

And what feels like fire to your lungs at first later becomes what you know is necessary.  Because it forces you to stay in between each moment instead of trying to conquer each moment, with swords and armor and vigilance that only tires you out at the end and beginning of each day.

Learn to be submerged.  Learn to breathe inconspicuously.  Learn to love and be loved in a different way.

the easier option

An event that has always stuck in my mind was this one time where my cousin’s back got all scratched up because I didn’t know how to let go of her as she was sliding down a snowy mountain.

We were on a family trip and we were partners for tube sliding. I was in the first tube and she was on the second in back of me; I held her by her legs on each side of me because we were told to do that.

As we were slid down the hill, I remember maybe halfway, my cousin plopping out of her tube and us still sliding down because I was still in mine. I looked back at her almost in a panic and reached out to her to get her onto my tube somehow. In my mind, I was so intensely intent on keeping her safe. I was thinking to myself that if she just held on a little longer we would stop soon at the bottom. All the while I saw her face scrunching up in pain as her shirt and jacket was being lifted upward, exposing her back to all that hardened snow. I wanted so badly to rid her of what she was going through and to do something to help her.

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Disentangling From All That Never Allowed ‘You’

If you want to change the “toxic” dynamics you are in, you have to first and foremost stop acting out the role that perpetuates that dynamic.  It may have been placed upon you and they might have dressed you up real tamely, but now that you are growing more aware of what has happened and what needs to be done, you are the one still putting on those shoes, the one still putting on that shirt you don’t like, and the one itching in the pants that you want out of.

You have to understand that you are now “self-dressing” out of familiarity and conformity. You have to also know though that you not only have the right, but the necessary undertaking, to slowly figure out what kind of change you do want and what things you need to snip at the stems.  And that means no longer making yourself a puppet just because that was all you were endorsed to be.  It’s time to cut off the strings.

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eternal recurrence

eternal recurrence

if everything is a cycle.
if your emptiness is a cycle.
if the darkness is what you
keep returning back to.
then know
that so is your joy.
so is that love you feel
inside yourself opening up
more and more, little by little.
so is the natural current then
that unceasingly washes you back
to the familiar grounds
of your wildly unrelenting
beaconed heart.

the voice’s association with authentic beingness and its blockages

i guess what i didn’t know until recently was how much my voice played/plays a role in my entire beingness. your voice, vocal box, vocal chords, are very much associated with your internal experience and external expression of your emotions and your feelings.  so to think your voice was ugly or something to be manipulated and changed to sound differently, the way i did when i was younger and have subconsciously kept up until now i guess, it really fucks up your self-perception on a grander level.

it’s very much like trying on different masks, uncomfortable with your own skin, and just not knowing how to be yourself without feeling shame or feeling bad.  since it is so much connected with how you express yourself and how it is rooted in the truth of your emotions and experience, to try and alter it or discourage its sonic nature alters everything else inside you.  sounds can have such an effect.  ever seen how different sounds can change the shapes of how water or sand vibrates and scatters and moves upon contact ?  it’s exactly like that with the varying authenticity and clarity of your voice.  it can literally shape how constricted you are (that ball in your throat feeling) or how free flowing you are.

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the instinct and process to create a better existence for yourself

you have to create the space firstly in order to let yourself be in the space.

you never had the benefit of it being created for you – the warmth and the nurturance and the encouragement to explore and come out of your shell.  so in order for you to sit down comfortably, you have to learn to make the chair to your body’s natural preference and taste. you have to know which nails to use, which materials suit you best, and what color or colors is/are most likely to give you that sense of ease. you need to learn what comfort is before you can know what comfort subjectively means to you and how it is valuable and how you can then sink into that comfort.  and so it is a constant back and forth-ness between learning and knowing, and creating and being, and failing and succeeding.

it seems impossible to go ahead and create something out of nothingness but you don’t give enough credit to the truth that… the things we are born with in life never truly goes away or disappears from it being beaten out of us. they stay in hibernation and roar out sometimes when forced into deeper hibernation pass its due date, but you can always engage with the drawing out of it again – the drawing out of you again.  it is a survival mechanism to hide for a while, but then the ultimate survival instinct is to override that somehow.  to tip toe your way out to the sea of liberation and the grounds of fulfilling as much as you can of your potential and innate positives of your personality. the instinct to reestablish the ground underneath you as your own to run and play on is the instinct that needs to be heard above all else.

louder and louder, clearer and clearer.

The middle road

It’s hard to put all of your self as you are in this moment out there without the muddling of visions of past selves popping in and out, isn’t it ?

There are times , maybe even plenty , where you are enjoying your progress and your strengths and your seeming lack of fragmentation. Then something or someone from your past comes back around to test you , literally on a soul level.

You always wish and hope that the same patterns won’t be played around. That you won’t revert back totally. But maybe that’s just it … we kind of are scared of lack of perfection. We don’t want to admit that every moment will still be imperfect and we get stuck in an all or nothing frame of view.

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feelings as identity

My identity has been based off of transient feelings and I’ve been confusing who I am with what I feel in myself as well as what I feel from others. When you start to see blue all around you , you start feeling like you are blue yourself. It’s an absorption of the senses and being overwhelmed by it.

Regarding confusing my own feelings with feelings I pick up from others, I didn’t know how to disassociate or distinguish and keep it out of my body system. When a rock hits you, naive you thinks it had to have been seemingly thrown at you. So you start to think something is wrong with you because you are hurt. You then identify with the hurt as if it was you. Because if you keep being hit and hurt forever, you mistake yourself as one bleeding wound you can’t manage to sew up.

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musings of the heart

it’s a strange thing when in order to prove that you are strong, you have to deny what it is that makes you most human. as if the sound of your heart racing will echo into all distances and make you suddenly sniffed out as prey to be capsized.

we slow our hearts down so much for this as if to make it seem like we don’t even own one. as if the racing of our minds and other things are better. as if the flush on our skins will make us too susceptible to being found out. found out for what ? for having emotions and inner lives, which needn’t be a secret anymore in this day and age. we are equipped and have always been equipped with something that will lead us ultimately out of the dark.

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